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How to Give a Cat a Pill2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away the soggy pill. 4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push the pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Try to remove pill from bottom of goldfish tank and get cat off top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Roll pill down wooden ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains and get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth setting one aside to glue later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans and drink a glass of milk to get rid of the taste. Apply Band-Aids to spouse's forearm and remove blood stains from carpet with cold water. 10. Retrieve Cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree. Apologise to neighbour's who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid fleeing cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining room table leg. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from gardening shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and removes chunks of pill from eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home and choose a new table. 15. Call ISPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they carry hamsters. How to Give a Dog a Pill1. Wrap it in bacon. |